


Seasons

by deadboy (b1tch)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Autistic Character, Childhood Trauma, Fluff, Getting Together, Homophobia, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Komori Motoya is a Good Friend, M/M, Miya Atsumu is a Little Shit, Panic Attacks, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Child Abuse, Past eating disorder, Pining, Sakusa Kiyoomi is Bad at Feelings, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric, Self-Harm, Sensory Overload, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, finding healthy coping mechanisms, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 06:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30000819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/b1tch/pseuds/deadboy
Summary: Sakusa Kiyoomi experiences his life as seasons that come and go and Atsumu slowly becomes the part of the seasons that he looks forward to.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Sakusa Kiyoomi, Kita Shinsuke & Miya Atsumu, Komori Motoya & Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Sakusa Kiyoomi & Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	Seasons

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> PLEASE read the tags if anything mentioned makes you uncomfortable please don't read this! Most of this doesn't go into too much detail since it is only the first chapter that has a serious rundown of abuse but it does effect how Sakusa will interact with people through out this story!
> 
> Also take note that this is things that I have gone through myself and as I don't have a clear memory on what exactly happened it isn't exactly the most clear in execution.
> 
> I mostly made this fic to vent and you will notice that as you read this story, it gets better though!

Spring, it's a time for blooming flowers and the beginning of warmer weather, but spring also brings the dead grass that covers the landscape after being covered in snow for months and months on end. It brings the barren trees and empty looking landscaping before after weeks and weeks of waiting the first buds start to sprout. 

If Kiyoomi had to describe his spring it would be the parts of spring everyone hated, the barren landscapes before the buds begin sprouting, the allergies from the pollen that floats around in the air, or the come back of oh so many bugs. Spring can be a time for beauty, but it can also be ugly.

He is four when it first happens. 

It was a long time coming, the signs were always there. His dad always called him names, commented on how he weighs too much, about how he wasn’t doing good enough in school. But he's in kindergarten, surely this sort of thing that a four-year-old shouldn’t be worried about? It’s what big kids worry about, big kids with lots of responsibilities. 

So why did his dad hit him? Why did his dad hit him hard enough to make it hurt for three days straight? Why did he never apologise? These are the questions that linger in his mind at four years old, as the stinging in his cheek subsides over the course of a week. 

Of course, his father doesn’t only do it once, it becomes more frequent. It never resorts to beating, not yet anyway, and Kiyoomi is grateful for that much. His anger is inescapable for Kiyoomi though he spares his mother. His dad says he would never hit his wife, but then why is he okay with hitting his son? Kiyoomi wonders. He is still thankful that his mother never has to be the recipient of his father's physical wrath. He still yells though. His parents never stop fighting, his mother always hugs him after his father hits him and apologises. He wonders why, after all, she isn’t the one who hurt him.

He walks into the room as his mother is sobbing more than once, and every time she reminds him to be brave and that one day when Kiyoomi has a job and the money that they will leave. His mother hugs him tight and tells him that she loves him. He hugs her back, she is the only person who has ever loved him and it breaks his heart when she is upset. The tears stop falling after some time and Kiyoomi goes back to being a kid, or as much of a kid as he can be.

What makes it worse is that his dad isn’t always angry, he doesn’t always hurt Kiyoomi, he doesn’t always make his mother cry. If he did Kiyoomi could hate him, but he can’t. His dad is kind to him sometimes, he buys him a birthday cake and presents and tells him how much he loves him. He takes Kiyoomi to the store with him, and lets him pick out something small, he picks him up and spins him around. 

Kiyoomi wishes hating people was easier, his mind tells him his dad is a good person because if he wasn’t a good person he wouldn’t be nice to him. In the movies the mean parents always get what they deserve, life is fair in those movies, and life is kind to the characters. Life apologizes for what it does to them. Life is fair, and life is kind. 

When he is seven he starts hiding. Whether it be in the closet, under the bed, or in the bathroom, he hides from his dad whenever he's mad. He’ll hide and not come out for hours and hours. He doesn’t want to get hit, so he hides away. Sometimes he will get called down for dinner but still won’t come out, not daring to make a sound. When his father asks where Kiyoomi is his mother says he is probably sleeping, his father takes this answer. His mother knows where he is, and she will sometimes coax him out while his father is watching the TV, wrapping him in her embrace and apologizing.

He hides when his report card comes back. He has only two B’s, everything else is straight A’s but his father still gets mad. He sarcastically talks about how proud he is of Kiyoomi. He grows to hate that word, proud. His father says he isn’t trying hard enough, that he isn’t good enough. His dad hits him when he finds him. Slowly but surely his father discovers all his hiding spots, but he still hides there because even if it is only a short escape, any escape is worth the risk. 

His father bathes him sometimes, after all he is only seven. Sometimes though it feels wrong, his father touches him in ways that he shouldn’t. The icky feeling on his skin of his fathers touch doesn’t go away easily. Even if it is not on purpose, Kiyoomi soon learns how to bathe on his own, if only to escape his father. His young mind only knows that he doesn’t want to be near his father, it takes many years for Kiyoomi to process what happened, and even longer to accept that it was wrong.

His father enrolls him in three sports, ballet, volleyball, and swimming. His father says he's fat, that he looks like a cow. He should lose weight so that people will find him attractive and like him. So he swims, he dances, and he plays volleyball. He learns to love ballet and volleyball but his hatred for swimming burns deep within him. His father makes him go anyway, and Kiyoomi still tries for the sake of competition. He also tries to eat less but his mother ignores his pleas, she gives him the same amount of food. She was always the only one brave enough to defy his father. She tells him that he is perfect just the way he is, she loves him and shows it and that is enough for him. 

When he breaks his mother's vase. He panics, knowing how much trouble he will be in. So he hides. He hides under the bed for two hours and when his parents find out where he is and try to coax him out, promising they won’t get mad at him he stays under there, hidden. He blocks out his mothers pleading. What if they lie to him and his dad hits him anyway? They end up moving the bed to get him out there, his father says nothing. His mother just hugs him and tells him that it is okay.

It is not sunshine and peaches at school either, he gets shoved into locker hooks and pushed around. He doesn’t understand why, and when the girl who is bullying him apologises and becomes his best friend a year later he doesn’t understand why his old best friend starts doing the same thing to him. They switch their positions because according to his old best friend, he can only have one of them. They call him names and shove him into walls. The pain from his father doesn’t help and he holds back tears many, many times. He chooses to focus on school, ignoring what is going on around him, the studying drowning out whatever his former friend says to him.

When he is nine his mother tries to kill herself. She takes the poison in the cabinet and tries to drink it. He is confused, why would his mother try to drink poison? His father is rushing in seconds later, he pries the bottle out of her hands and leads her back to their bedroom, attempting to calm her down from whatever breakdown she is having. Her sobbing fills the kitchen and hallway, Kiyoomi is unaware at the time of what she is doing but he learns a few years later, the memory is permanently engraved in his mind.

He quits ballet when he turns eleven. His father says it's too girly of a sport for him to be playing, Kiyoomi is heartbroken. He loves ballet, but he still has volleyball, he is eternally grateful for that. He still watches ballet performances over and over again, reminiscing wishing that he could practice again. That day never comes but Kiyoomi never stops adoring ballet.

When he is twelve his dad first beats him. He beats him for not paying attention enough, he drags him around the floor by his hair as Kiyoomi screams in pain. His father hits him again and again. Then he finally leaves. His mother doesn’t come to save him, doesn’t she love me? He wonders, why didn’t she try to help me? His hyperventilating sobs fill the room as he sits on the floor wondering what he did to deserve this. His mother doesn’t even come out of her room once his father has left. Why doesn’t she care about me? Kiyoomi wonders, he longs to be small again when his mother would hug him and tell him that she loves him.

He is twelve when he first cuts himself. The agony of being trapped resulting in him resorting to something- anything to not feel the stinging of his fathers palm on his skin, or the mental scars of being hurt again and again by people who were supposed to love him. The pain of never being good enough causing him to create a new pain to focus the attention too.

He also learns that same year that he is bisexual, he tells his cousin and new best friend, Komori, who hugs him and tells him that he is happy for Kiyoomi. He cries into his cousin’s shoulder and opts to never tell his parents who he knows would hate him if he were anything but straight.

He also falls for a boy that year, Ushijima Wakatoshi. He falls for his quiet but bold personality. He falls for his passion and Kiyoomi falls hard. They end up becoming close friends but they never get together, because Kiyoomi is too terrified to confess and Ushijima never seems to notice Kiyoomi’s feelings, and if he does he doesn’t care. They remain close for a long time, and although Kiyoomi never expresses his attraction to Ushijima he still is happy that they are friends. 

He is thirteen when his father says they are moving away. Tokyo is a few hours away from Osaka so he won’t be able to visit Osaka often. Kiyoomi makes no complaints, he will miss his friends and they promise to keep in contact through Skype. Then he leaves, the first few days are quiet. His new school is okay but his new classmates bombard him with questions. He wants nothing more than quiet and to be alone. 

They mostly leave him alone after the first few days, one of them notices his constant pulling at his sleeves and asks if he also cuts himself. It is a weird interaction he thinks, as the boy tells him how he also does that. He smells of cigarettes, something no 13-year-old should smell like but this boy does. He has an air of warmth around him, and he wonders why this boy trusts him so quickly, after all they have just met. The boy lies a lot too, but Kiyoomi lets it slide, reminding himself to not trust everything that comes out of his mouth.

They exchange some stories, although Kiyoomi doesn’t mention his father's abuse because how do you tell someone something like that? He isn’t even sure if it's abuse at that point in his life. If it was abuse would his father still be kind to him in some moments? Why would he even tell a stranger in the first place when he has yet to tell Komori? Although he can tell Komori knows something is up, the way Kiyoomi acts certainly isn’t normal.

He makes other friends too, a shy boy named Akaashi Keiji and a louder, more outgoing boy named Sugawara Koushi. They all get very close, it is the closest he has let anyone besides Komori in a long time. He still doesn’t tell them about his home life though, only Komori knows anything about it and even what he knows is only bits and pieces of the full truth. He keeps them at some distance, but he keeps everyone at a distance. 

Him and his father are going grocery shopping one day. When his father stops the car says, “I know you’re gay it's just a phase, homos go to hell Kiyoomi, they’re stupid and disgusting you shouldn’t be one of them.”

Then he continues driving. Pretending that he didn’t say what he just said. It is one of the oddest experiences in Kiyoomi’s life, because how do you react to that? Kiyoomi says nothing, surprised by the lack of physical reaction from his father and wondering how he possibly found out. He figures his father will forget in due time, and he does.

When he is thirteen his father makes fun of his weight again, like he always does, but this time it hurts more than it usually does. Perhaps it’s teenage insecurity, or maybe its the culmination of being told the same thing over and over again for years. He develops an eating disorder, he throws up whatever food he eats, in an attempt to curb his mom's insistence that he eats. This lasts for a few months before he pulls himself out of the mess that he has made, and tries to get better on his own.

He also gets his first boyfriend when he turns thirteen, of course something he never tells his parents. By this point he knows he is asexual but biromantic. His boyfriend invites him over one day, they play some video games together, he is happy at that moment. Then his boyfriend tries to have sex with him. Knowing that Kiyoomi is asexual. Kiyoomi tries to say no, but his boyfriend continues attempting to undress him, so he pushes him away and Kiyoomi runs. They break up, of course they would, how do you come back from that? He feels guilty, so horribly guilty. He blames himself for being stupid and naive.

His father beats him again. It is horrible, he cries and cries in the bathroom for hours. His mother tries to coax him out but it doesn’t work, nothing does. The pain overwhelms him and he makes a decision in that moment.

He tries to take his own life that day, taking an assortment of different pills that are in the bathroom. It doesn’t work. He’s in the hospital for a few days after that, Komori calls him in hysterics about what he’s done. Komori makes him promise that he will live for as long as Komori does and Komori will do the same. He doesn’t tell Komori that the only person who got a suicide note was him.

When he is 14 his father becomes more subdued. He doesn’t hit him as much anymore, although it still happens sometimes, it becomes a rare occurrence. Kiyoomi is confused. He isn’t sure what to think, he views his father as a ticking time bomb, waiting to snap at him and hurt him once again. His father still yells though, but he doesn’t make fun of Kiyoomis looks as much anymore, nor does he snap at Kiyoomi for his grades, he just makes him study more but it is far better than it used to be. 

Is this his father's way of asking for forgiveness? If so should he forgive him? Forgive a man who hurt him as much as his father did? He isn’t sure. He isn’t even sure if this is an apology, but even if it isn’t it still gnaws at his insides.

That year most of Kiyoomi's old friends from Osaka stopped talking to him. It’s not him in specific, they all grow apart. They are all busy with their own lives and don’t have as much time to talk anymore. It hurts Kiyoomi more than they could ever know. Komori is still there though, Komori has always been there and Kiyoomi is eternally grateful for him.

He plays more volleyball nowadays, he wants to be the absolute best and releases his pent-up frustration from over the years into the ball. Over and over and over again. He gets better and better, he is the ace for his junior high team. His parents never come to any of his games. They probably don’t care, he thinks. They never have. He is still grateful to get as far as he has in the sport.

He is fourteen when he tries to stop self-harming. 

It lasts all of six months, around the same time Kiyoomi learns about his mysophobia. He can’t handle being touched after years of his dad hurting him, he can only handle a few people touching him by that point. His mother, Komori, Akaashi, and Sugawara. Along with not being able to touch people he has to be absolutely clean, spotless and if he isn’t he freaks out.

He relapses during a meltdown about his room not being clean enough and no matter how hard he tries the germs simply do not go away. He relapses a few more times over the next few months, but he tries, and slowly but surely the time between relapses gets longer and longer. Komori tells him that he is proud of Kiyoomi, and despite his issues with the word, he is happy.

When he is fifteen he learns he has sensory issues. He can’t handle loud noises, touching, anything. He feels like he’s broken, why couldn’t he have just been normal? At least if he was normal he wouldn’t have to suffer this much, what did he do to deserve this? Kiyoomi has a panic attack that day, the overwhelming sounds around him coupled with his mind's worries break him. He feels so alone. 

He is going to the grocery store with his father again one day, his father had always had to take brain medication for a disorder he suffered from. In that moment an idea pops into his head, Kiyoomi wonders if that was to blame for his dad's abuse when he was younger. So he asks him about it.

“Dad, did you ever switch medications recently?”

“No, I haven’t even changed dosages in over 20 years.”

Kiyoomi wonders then why, why did you hurt me? Why have you changed so much in the past year? He doesn’t ask his father these questions and instead wonders if it was his fault and if he deserved to be treated the way that he was.

It is the first time he wonders that, but it certainly isn’t the last.

He also quits swimming that year, choosing to devote all of his time to volleyball and studying. His father is not pleased with this development but he can’t stop Kiyoomi so he just lets him.

He is fifteen years old when he enters high school. 

His skill on the court lands him a spot as a starter, even if he is only in his first year. His spikes are strong and so are his receives, and he only continues to get better. 

Komori calls him one day and tells Kiyoomi that he is transferring to his school, the perks of having your cousin as your best friend Kiyoomi assumes. He is elated and cannot wait for Komori's arrival as he hasn’t seen him in person in years. Things finally start to look up a bit for him. 

He was invited to the youth training camp that year. Komori is also invited, Kiyoomi is thankful to have someone who he is comfortable with coming along. His father agrees to let him go. Kiyoomi is happy even if he isn’t good at showing it, he has never been happier with his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Please tell me if I've made any grammatical mistakes.


End file.
